After lying down on my bed and thinking last night, I realized that for the past 17 years of my life, I wasn't living it to the fullest. I had many crazy moments with many people. To be exact, some moments shook me off ground. It made me question myself, my worth & my identity. I didn't know how to feel or what to do at that point of time in my life. I was scared, internally.
My first kiss was lost to a guy, well a friend rather, at the age of 14. I still clearly remember how I felt after kissing him. I was feeling that adrenaline rush through me. I was flushed, nervous & excited all at the same time. At 14 years of age, I never thought I would actually have the chance to kiss a boy then as being in a girls schools for 8 years made it unlikely. Nonetheless, I felt like I achieved something after I did. What a stupid thought. However, those emotions did not last. I started to feel so "cheated". Cheated in a sense that he was not even my boyfriend and I kissed him, wow, what was I thinking? I started to feel a whole load of fear, disgust & confusion. I was lost. I was scared. I didn't know what I could do. I knew that time wouldn't turn back so all I could do then was to move on.
If you were wondering, that guy and I still contacted for awhile and we kissed a few more times after. Initially, I continued as I thought there would be a chance we could get together as I did like him. However, that was not the case. I'm still unclear as to what his feelings were for me then but I can say that there were many feelings and thoughts left unsaid.
At the end, I finally decided to cut him out of my life. I realized that whatever I was doing was so wrong. I knew I could not keep on going like this, with him leaving me hanging. Therefore, I stopped texting him and after awhile we lost all contact. He removed me from Facebook eventually and from then on we haven't talked ever since. Upon doing that, I felt really helpless and pathetic. I was a girl that once thought her first kiss would be beside the sea or at some place romantic, just like the movies, but it wasn't. I couldn't understand why God had to put me through this. I felt like a complete failure, I felt that I let him down.
Go listen Hero by Mariah Carey.
That song is my inspiration.
Today, I finally understand.
You can say that that incident sparked off my knowledge into the world of 'boys & girls". From that experience, I started to know how boys would act around girls. I started to see that not every boy I meet will be the good guy. I realized that the person I kissed was not so bad after all. He respected me for who I was and he didn't force himself on me or anything like that. Through that, I learnt how to protect myself, how to analyse the words of a boy and how a boy that just want lust from a girl would sound and act like. I'm not shooting this post towards the boys or men but I'm just saying that there are "some" (a few) boys out there that are like that. I'm sure even the guys would know.
And you ask, ,sowhat's the point of this post Kimberley Yong?
Why the heck are you telling us all this, you are so gross. Ewwww.
You just want attention.
Here's my answer: I am not posting this post to be proud of my life.
I know I did thing that sinned against God & as much as I'm confused and worried that I am, that's something I have to figure out. Anyway, on this matter, I just wanted to say that I know why I was put through all of that in my past. Today, I have girls coming to me telling me they kissed this guys they just met because he was cute/hot or whatever and after doing that the guy stopped talking to them. I have people coming to me and asking me what they should do. I have seen girls feel so horrible about themselves because they kissed someone they shouldn't have. Hence, my purpose of posting this blog post is for people to learn from my mistakes.
Haters might say, you call yourself a Christian but you are so scandalous and slutty, wow.
Aren't you letting God down?
Here's what I have to say.
The best pastors that preached in my church aren't during normal service. The best pastors come during camps. And what do they talk about? They talked about their scars. They talk about how they used to be so addicted to porn or womanizing, for example. Why did they do that? Aren't they scared? Yes, they are. Everyone will be. It's just like showing our weakness to the World. However, they still did it, and that is because they know that some guys among the youth would feel that same way. As such, pastors talk about their past in hope that someone out there would be "encouraged" or "helped" by that. No one dares to talk about their scars because their the doings of evil. They avoid it because their ashamed. However when it comes to Christianity, you should not hiding it. You have to admit to your sins and repent and then, you'll be in the light. Not darkness.
In conclusion, I just want to say that if anyone has been through something like that and feels that her first kiss was horrible and shameful, I am here to tell you that it's alright. You don't have to worry about your future boyfriend judging you, because if he truly loves you he wouldn't. I am saying that it is alright not to encourage this of course, I am saying that it is alright because everyone makes mistakes. I did to.
I want to tell you that you are beautiful and strong and you don't have to feel it's the end of the world. If you did it and you're a Christian, repent. I did. If you are not, go to somewhere you love, make yourself feel strong and beautiful once again. Most importantly, learn from your experience. Purity is a big thing and everyone likes to wonder about another's purity but there would come a time when all this wouldn't matter anymore because God has the final say. Don't worry about what people say about you. Be true who you are, that's the most important.
If anyone ask you who you are, don't feel insecure.
But instead, smile and say " I am a person who has scars, mistakes and failure.
However, without them, I won't be who I am today."
With that, I shall end my blog post here. If you have any questions of advice or anything you want to say to me, you can either email them to me or post it on my ask.fm - http://ask.fm/KimberleyYong - I would keep all emails private. Lastly, I hope this pos somehow helped someone out there, in one way or another. Take care!