Friday, 7 March 2014

I don't even know what happening to me. 
I just feels like I'm falling apart. 

Isn't it funny how one person can have so many sides? 
I don't know. Is this normal? 
Why do I feel so strong on some days and completely crap on others? 

I feel as if I don't know who I am, like a girl lost in my own mind. Is that sick or what? 
Maybe this is just be breaking down emotionally over nothing? Or at least something I cannot yet admit to myself? I can't even tell. Great. 

I see where this post is going. 
It's going to be like any other emo blog post you read. 
Okay I should stop. 
I really should..... maybe after this post? 

Nonetheless, I strongly feel the need to express every side of me in this post. Some might ask why put myself in a vulnerable position. Why expose weakness over the internet?  Well, here's the thing. I am an only child. And do you know what is that one feeling an only child faces the most? Yes, some might have guessed it right. Loneliness. That feeling of you and only you in your room. That knowledge that no one is in the room beside yours. And those times when you need someone to hug, all you would probably have would be that favorite bolster of yours. How comforting. 

I do hope I'm not the only one that struggles with "finding myself". I mean, that's not possible right? How can any 18 year old know him/herself completely? I don't know....For the longest time, I have been hovering over who I want to be & how I want to portray myself. It's weird, I know. To aid you in what I mean, here are the 5 sides to me. 

1. The good girl - Of course, everyone wants to be the good one.The good filial daughter, the perfect friend. Don't all we all want to feel like we made someone happy. Don't we all want to feel we did something right? I'm sure we all do. I do too. However, being the good guy isn't easy. You would constantly find yourself getting caught between the things you least wanted to be caught in. Parents, two good buddies, boys/girls & for some, work. Isn't it stupid how the good ones always gets the most crap out of everything? 

And therefore, being the nice guy would take a toll on me. And as much as I want to be it, I wish to quit it. Sometimes I feel so sick and tired of being nice. Don't the mean ones always get what they want as well? Maybe......or not? However, fear not. I'm not going to become some bitch that everyone hates. In fact, I will never want to be that. I just want to be someone good enough for everyone. Yeah....that's probably it. 

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