Sunday, 21 September 2014

Heart to Heart: What I've Learnt From My 15 Months Relationship


This is going to be a very personal post sharing my thoughts and experience.
You do not have to agree with everything I say but please respect it. 

I know many of you were concern and curious when my 15 months relationship with my ex-boyfriend ended back in April. I also do know that it came across as a shock to some. To everyone that cared for me during that point in my life, thank you. I cannot even explain how much your support means to me. You know, getting into a relationship during your teen years have their pros and cons. I'm not going to list them all out now but just to mention one pro, you'll gain experience. I say this because you may go through more than one relationship during these years of your life. As you go along, you'll realize you will be more mature in handling the challenges of your r/s when it comes. 

Why am I telling you this? 

I'm telling you this because even though my relationship ended, it thought me many things. Hence, as much as I was hurt, I do not regret it. I don't regret my previous relationship because the lessons from it are valuable.  From that relationship, I understood myself better. I also saw the difference between how a guy and girl would think or react in a certain situation. And most importantly, I saw a clearer picture of what kind of guy I need in my life. But to sum it all up, here are 3 things I've learnt from my previous relationship

(1) Communication

I've always said that communication is key. Remember the many advices I gave people on my ask.fm saying that communication is vital? I meant that. I know this better than anyone because the communication between my ex-boyfriend and I was really poor. Whenever we argued over something, we hardly talked about it. We would just let it die down and forget about it. What I've learnt is that, that's not the way to go. Yes, you and your partner may have calmed down and both decided put the issue behind you.... however, you need to talk about it regardless. Why? 

Here's why. You need to talk about it because you need to understand how each other felt at that point in time. You need to talk about it because the both of you will then be able to see the mistake made and be able to prevent it from happening again. You cannot just let the matter pass and act as if nothing was wrong. If you do that, you wouldn't solve the problem for good, you're just solving the problem temporary. This may also be the reason why couple keep arguing over the same thing over and over again. You need to get to the root of the problem and face it together as a couple. Don't be afraid to talk about it. 


(2) Showing Care & Concern 

I'm not one that expects unlimited attention for my man. Nonetheless, I do need a sufficient amount of care & concern from the person I love. In my previous relationship, we functioned really independently. We didn't really text much throughout the day. Sometimes we don't even exceed 10 messages. Initially, I was going good. I wasn't even affected by the little messaging. However, when things started to get rough due to my 'O' Levels, I felt that I wasn't receiving the support I needed from him. It was then when I realized how important it was for your partner to show daily care and concern for you. 

Looking back, there were still times when I felt alone despite me being in a relationship. To me, one is not suppose to feel that way when you're with someone you so call "The love of your life." Shouldn't the love of your life be able to support you and carry you through? Shouldn't they be the one that makes everything better and worthwhile? Don't get me wrong though, I do know at the end of the day, we only can rely on ourselves most of the time but when I was down and needed a hug, there was none in sight. Is that unreasonable of me then to say that he wasn't there for me when I needed him the most? To be honest, I don't think I am. Even my dad agreed with me. 

My dad said this to me:

 "A man has no excuse. 
If he's not there for you when you need him to be, 
this just shows how much you mean to him."


(3) Mindset 

If you and him are from different worlds in terms of your mindset and values, you're not going to click. I'm not saying that my ex boyfriend and I had a mindset so far off each other's. However, the things we disagreed on were subconsciously affecting our relationship negatively. I'm not going to reveal too much as this is a private matter but the main reason why things couldn't work out was because of how he viewed a relationship to be like. I don't know if it was me or him but, I guess how the both of us saw a relationship was very different. We always thought that we had a similar concept but as time passed, we realized that we started to want different things. In addition, I didn't agree to certain things he said and that made me question how we were going to raise our kids together. There were many reasons as to why it ended but the main point I'm trying to make here is that a couple needs to have a similar mindset, especially when it comes to things like values, character and how they view their relationship to be like. When it comes to values, trying to accommodate to someone that is doing something against what you believe in is going to be very hard on you. You may be able to stand it now but one day, your inner heart will tell you that it's wrong and that you should leave it. When that happens, you're going to be in a state of lost. That was how I felt. 

PS: I've learnt a lot more things but if you want me to talk about them, please contact me personally. If you're facing a similar situation and need someone to talk to, feel free to ask me anything on my ask.fm or email me privately if it's better for you. 


S and I are over for good as we've both moved on. He's happy for me and so I am for him. We aren't texting or anything right now and we're just acquaintances. I know it may seem sad for us to end this way but, as the quote goes.. "Don't be sad it's over, smile because it happened." Maybe S just wasn't the one God had in mind for me. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe God wanted me to learn something before the right one comes along. 

(Fast forward to today)

Today, I am with a man I'm more than thankful for. Being with him has made me feel so blessed in many ways. What I feel with him is so different. I don't the words to describe it but whenever I'm with him, I feel so free. I feel as if I can truly be myself without the need to hide anything. Also, because of the many lessons that life had taught me, I feel as if I'm ready to face anything that will come our way. There will be challenges, and when it comes, it down hard. Internship, Army & University are a few of them to name. But because what I've been through, I now know what I have to do in order sustain the r/s with the rough time comes. I believe that we've got what it takes to push through anything, and I know that we'll stay strong and make it at the end of the day. So here's to the man that holds all of my heart. Donovan Lee, I love you ♥ ♥ ♥ 


xoxo

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