Saturday, 10 January 2015

I'm only human.

I'm so sick and tired. 

I'm so sick and tired of trying to fit in. I'm so tried to numbing myself to the obvious pain that is there. I'm so tired to telling myself, it's going to get better. Over and over again, I have been hurt and feeling things that I hate to feel. However to stop myself from letting the negativity in, I force myself to push it away and be positive instead. I always subconsciously tell myself to try harder next time. I just keep pushing and pushing, refusing to allow myself to break. 

In the world today, if one is sad or upset, he or she has to suck it up. He or she can't be posting all the negative thoughts on Twitter. If one does that, he or she will be deemed as weak. For all you know, this blog post I'm writing might also be judged by some people. God knows. But my point is, sometimes, I just don't know where to go anymore. 

Some of you might say friends, don't you have so many friends? Let me clarify one thing with you, I might know a lot of people, but those who qualify as friends aren't many. Right now, I only have Doreen, Chris, Agnes, Hanna, Westly. That's all. 5 people. These 5 people are the people that i go to when I am down. The rest of my friends, I only catch up when I get a chance. They are hardly actually in my life constantly. But then again, all these friends of mine have individual things to deal with. I can't always bother them 24/7 and be like, "Babe, I need someone to talk to because I'm down..." Yes, I can do that once in awhile but for the most part, I have to deal with it on my own. After all, we are all fighting out own battles. 

Some of you might say, what about you anons? Can't you go to them? You know what, honestly, I fucking can't. Why? Here's why. Most of them wouldn't be able to help because they either can't understand or don't know how. I'm not saying that they can't but think about it, they are 14 to 16 years old, they have other things to worry about. How would they understand what is going on in my mind? And besides, they rely on me for support. They need to see me as the stronger one. How can I be breaking down to them? If I do that, who's going to hold them up? 

So back to the beginning of me trying to fit in. I've never had a clique. Not until now, in Poly. And I'm thankful and lucky because I found a group of friends I can trust. However, apart from that, I can't fit in anywhere. Even in my own camp groups. And yes, we did go through a camp together but after that was over, it's back to strangers. Some people got closer after awhile but others.... no. And even so, I don't talk to the closer ones all the time and we eventually drift. PS: I still love my camp groups a lot. Please don't misunderstand this post because I'm just trying to explain that even though us camp groups try really hard, it's really a challenge to be close together forever. 

Next when I hang out with some friends I met through the people that are close to me, I don't feel the least bit accepted. Talk about your bro, my bro, bullshit. I don't understand why they aren't open. Like would it kill them to just ask me what I like or start a damn conversation with me? As the guest, I can't be the one starting all the talking, that would come off as what? Desperate right? Maybe? Or maybe I'm just again, expecting too much. But honestly, I just wanted to know the people you're close too and love them like you do. Maybe that was too much. Maybe I shouldn't have wanted to close the gap between us. Maybe I should have just expected a "Hi" or a "Bye". Whatever, it doesn't matter anymore now.

I mean, I'm not trying to say that I need to be accepted everywhere but maybe this blog post was triggered by disappointments and hurt I've chose to push away. Maybe everything isn't that bad and all this is just me over thinking. I don't know. I just wish I could know your friends better. I just wish I can be closer to the people that are close to you. I just wish that I didn't have to be part of that fake circle. To be honest, I don't even know why there's such a thing? How can one be fake to another? I just really want to be genuinely true to everyone. I hardly hate or judge either. l just wish things were easier. I just wish people didn't judge me base on what they hear. I'm so annoyed by the shit people are saying about me. And worst, others judging me for it. I mean like, at least give me a change to show you who I really am first. 

At the same time, I sometimes feel like I'm the stronger one. I feel like a mother, getting your life together when I can't even get my own. At times, I feel like I'm all alone in this when I know I'm not. I don't know. Maybe I'm just tired of all the hurt and pain I've kept inside. So after tonight, I'm not going to care anymore. Or maybe, I do, and this is just another way of me hiding my emotions from myself. I don't know.

I am sorry everyone. Please don't judge this post and try to understand me for once. 


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