Sunday, 3 May 2015

The Hardest Part

Hello all, I'm sorry for the lack of updates.

To jump right into the post, I'm going to talk about smoking.

The first time I picked up at cigarette was at the age of 16. From 16 till now, I've never been addicted. For the past 3 years of my life, I was probably what you would call a social smoker. On bad days, I can smoke up to 3-4 sticks but I can completely stop for months without craving at all. After 3 years of starting and stopping occasionally, I don't really understand myself when it comes to smoking anymore. However, this post isn't about me. This post is about me trying to figure out what I should do.

I have many friends who smoke, and FYI, I'm totally okay with that. In fact, I've never disliked anyone that smoked. I mean, it's their life right? And whatever they chose is their choice. Who am I to change or correct their way of living? However, here's the real question. "What if that person that smoked was someone I care about? Someone I really love?" 

I'm sure we all know about the health risk that smoking drags along with every puff. From cancer to lung problems, we hear it all the time. But if so, why are we still walking into it? That's the part that's making me so conflicted inside.

I know smoking does not define you as a person. It does not define your character or who you are as a person. After all, someone that smokes can have a heart of gold. But as to why he/she started, that's their own story to tell. We all have reasons and sometimes, people misunderstand or tend to jump into judgments before knowing why. (And this is why, I'm okay with my friends smoking)

However, when I put the health risk and the person I love side by side, I am lost. What am I suppose to do? Am I suppose to understand him/her or am I suppose to talk him or her into quitting because the last thing I want is to see them suffering? Just a few minutes ago, I was watching a show that talked a little about quitting smoking. The doctors said that there are millions in this world that tired to quit but failed. "Millions" is a big number to image..... However, he then added "So if you are a smoker and if you've tried once, twice, nineteen or even twenty times but still came back, you got to know that there's still a a third, fourth, twentieth and twenty-first time. You need to keep trying, you cannot give up." (That's hope right there)

For the past 10 months, I have constantly refused my head from getting to my heart. After all, I know that smoking does not equal "I am a bad person". That I know. But what hunts me are the risk smoking brings into such a delicate and precious human life (yours especially). Whenever I see a person lighting it up, I imagine the percentage risk of cancer he/she is putting himself/herself into, I imagine the damage it will bring to their body. I know I seem like i'm being very dramatic but just thinking about cancer or any organ failure really scares the living shit out of me. And I don't ever want to see myself or anyone I care about experience something like that....

But at the same time, I don't want to be controlling or naggy. I want you to be happy. I want you to feel like you can be yourself when you're around me. I don't want to be that person that brings you discomfort and pain. I don't want to suffocate or restrict you from doing the things that you like. I don't want you to force yourself into doing something that makes you feel miserable......But because I know smoking takes away a part of your future in ways that I can't control, what am I suppose to feel or do? What am I suppose to do when I have to choose between your happiness and your life? Which path is left for me to go when both still ends up at a path in which I fear losing you? I don't ever want to lose you. I love you. 

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