Thursday, 16 July 2015

(no tittle)

Hey readers, things haven't been so well for me. In fact, it's horrible. 

For the past 1 week, my relationship has been at the worst I've ever seen it. From crazy break downs to rash decisions, I've made and done it all. It's so stupid how intense things are. To many, this might come as a shock. I'm not sure how many readers of mine actually follow my blog. However, I'm pretty sure you guys always had the impression of me being someone really sweet and easy to date. But here's the truth, I'm not. To be honest, I think I'm a hassle and one crazy b*tch to be with. 

Before I begin the post, I clearly know how the saying "You should never post your relationship problems online" goes. Nonetheless, I just felt that I wanted to document this phase of the relationship because who knows? Perhaps one day, I would look back at this moment and be proud of how much I've grown. 

So yeah, back to the post....

I've been feeling pretty crappy about myself and everything the past week. For some reason, I feel as if no one has the capability of making me happy. I know it's a really selfish things to say but, I can't seem to be satisfied or happy. The thought process I have is a rather complicated one. But to break it up, it all comes down to my insecurities and expectations. 

I think anyone that knows me well would know what my expectations of a relationship are. Or rather, what I want in a man. It's mad if I were to list them all down but if you really want me to, I would in the next post. So, after being in a 1 year relationship with Donovan, I've realized that my expectations are taking a toll on both of us. 

I know it's okay to set expectations and wants for the relationship. Nonetheless, it's a true that sometimes, you can't expect him to be perfect. Many times, I find myself comparing my relationship to others. Or hoping he was or did this and that. I know it's toxic and bad but I subconsciously, do it. Oh god, I really hope Donovan isn't reading this. But if you are, I just want you to know that you're a great boyfriend. It's probably me that should learn how to treasure. I know you're not the romantic kind and you're a simple man. So maybe I shouldn't expect so much and learn to appreciate you more. Ugh, I can't even seem to be able to put in words how mad things are right now. Nonetheless, because we're slowly working things out, we are better now. Donovan is starting to understand what I need and I'm just trying to give him time to figure things out.

Insecurities. Okay, don't even get me started. I'm just so insecure all the time till it's killing me. To be honest, I actually think I need medical help :( I don't know why or how my confidence dropped so much but, I guess it did. I don't think I'm ready to touch on this topic just yet but I can't seem to feel jealous or lousy about myself whenever Donovan follows someone pretty or hot on a social media platform. I sound like such a clingy and insecure fuck right now but..... I can't help it. But of course, this is affecting my relationship and I'm controlling him way to much because I'm that insecure. I need him to assure me every now and then and because of how needy I am, I feel so pathetic and weak. I don't know. Reading how Brad Pitt supported Angelina when she was depressed really makes me wonder. But I should stop comparing, that's really unhealthy. I guess I need to figure something out soon. I really hope I get my confidence back soon. (with Don's help too of course)

But no worries, Donovan and I are still well.
Things are just a little rough but I'm still holding on. 

I guess that's all I have for now. 


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