I'm sure most of you know about the recent break D and I had. If you're hoping this post to be a story on what happen, I'm sorry, I'm going to disappoint. Reason being, I don't think I'm ready to talk about what happened yet as my thoughts are still in a mess and I need time to figure it out. In addition, I feel that there's a level of privacy I want to keep. It's only fair to D and I at this point in time. Nonetheless, there is something I want to share with you guys. Personally, this is a rather revolutionary moment for me and I just want to document this part of my life down on my blog.
The break made me realized many things. In fact, it churned my mind so hard that my entire head felt like there was a war going on between my thoughts. However, the biggest lesson for me was that, I'm not grounded enough in myself. Many of us get into relationships without knowing what we want. No, I'm not talking about the question of what we want to do in life. I'm talking about what we want out of the relationship. Most of us, including myself, get into relationships for all the wrong reasons. But, I guess that's all part of growing.
During the break, I realized how important it was to be grounded in myself. What do I mean by this? Being grounded in myself, to me, means knowing what I want. It means knowing which stage I am in life and if I'm really ready to commit. It means being able to have a set of principles and the ability to control my behavior and emotions like a mature adult. It means knowing that I should be happy and whole as an individual before even thinking about adding someone into my equation.
To put it in another way, a relationship is like Math. I'm sure we all know 1 + 1 = 2. It's just like two individuals coming together. But, what we tend to forget is that 1 is a whole number even before the other one came along. (I'm sure you get it now.)
Being 19, I very well know that I'm not completely matured yet. I still haven't figured out who I truly am or established a grounded personality that won't sway. As such, this is a right smack in my face reminder that I need to start grooming myself. I need to find myself in the things I love doing. I need to add value, knowledge and experience to my life. I can't be wondering anymore. I need to push myself to grow. It's time to grow up.
I don't want to be constantly stuck. I want to be confident in myself. I don't want to be afraid of failure or choose to take the easy way out of running away. I want to fight for the best version I can imagine myself to be. Looking back at my relationship, both current and past, I've realized that I've been trying to find myself in all the wrong places. Yes, people can come into your life and influence you deeply. However, the journey of growth is ultimately your own. You can't expect someone to figure you out. Especially not when that someone is barely a year or two older than you are.
Many of us think that relationships are formed merely because two people love each other. To be honest, it's not just about love alone. Being in a relationship with someone is about growth as well. It's about how he/she adds value to your life. It's about the emotional support you can give each other to compliment each other. It's about dedicating you time to your lover to understand each other deeply and build a connection. The list goes on..... What I'm trying to bring across is that, relationships shouldn't be taken lightly.
Being the youngest in the family, I'll always hear my cousins or relatives say "You're too young". To be honest, I never understood what they meant. But weirdly, I think I do now. When I look at the relationships they're in and compare it to mine, I see a difference. When I look at their relationship, I can see 2 strong individuals coming together. But when I look at mine, I feel like D and I are just both wondering. But even so, I don't blame anyone. After all, D and I still growing up. It's okay to feel lost and confused. It's okay to want to find a place in each other for comfort. Besides, no one can grow up in a day right? We all need time.
So, the next big question you may ask is: "Kim, if you've not found yourself, why are you still in a relationship?" My answer is: I have my reasons. Even though I know I'm not fully whole as an individual, there are reasons why why I still want to be in a relationship with D. I wish I could continue blogging but I got to go now. I guess I'll have to keep my thoughts for the next post. Till then.